There’s still inner work to do. The Universe keeps whispering it in my ear : all is not over yet. There are still past-tendrils to pull apart, still garbage to take out, still creation to cultivate.
It shows itself in my weekly astrology: “There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.”
It shows itself in the oracle card I pulled, the rainy day reflecting on its glossy surface: the phoenix. Surrender to change. Creation rising up out of the ashes of destruction.
Because being reborn is a lot more painful than I bargained for, and it’s asking more from me than I thought it would. Because Pele has her arms wrapped around me, her fingers trailing burning embers in my skin, demanding me to break down every part of me, leading me to the dark, sticky parts for me to shed fire-light on. Spirit-light. Reclaim those parts of me that have been infiltrated by those outside of myself.
And as those parts peel painfully, slowly, away, that feeling steals over me again; that feeling I struggled with those couple weeks, those couple years ago and simply ignored then: an immensity, so big and expansive it bursts out of the corners of the room, the wood and walls splintering under its pressure. The knowledge that the world is made of chaos, the world is made of playfulness, the world is made of beauty – and those cannot be contained within a house, or within the carefully drawn boundaries of our minds.
The immensity is shedding light on those unnecessary boundaries I’ve drawn for myself, those boxes and houses I’ve built within. It’s demanding me to unblock my throat, set my legs running, my hair on fire and my soul screeching for depth, crying out for a (commune)ity that asks me the difficult questions, the questions that make my Spirit and my Soul burst out in a bonfire, in a frenzy of life and love and wonder – instead of “what strange weather we’re having?”
How easy it should be to just let go!
Shame I wasn’t born with that gene, the Zen gene that sees the world as a game and smiles in the face of difficulty, calm and joyful in the midst of the breaking down of the Self. I had a friend once who was like that – peace seeping out through the pores of their skin, as if, at eighteen, they were already enlightened.
There is still inner work for me to do – an incredible amount of it, and it’s so easy to slip into the same habits and frustrations and circles and words. I pray to Pele, and I invoke the Phoenix, and I try my best to allow myself to surrender to the flow of Rebirth and of Reclaiming – and I know it will take a lot more than a few weeks to accomplish.